Lonely Harts Club

Paladin squire, 4 months old, seeks training companion for long, sweaty sessions. Must be able to handle sword and polish metal. Stamina is a must, as is good humour afterward.

Decorated Free Company Major seeks rich, elderly man with a weak heart for quick romance and wedding. Preference to men with no family. Please send expressions of interest The Crows of Albion. Etchings and gifts gratefully received.

Required – raunchy saucepot for larks, japes, and rumpy-pumpy. Must be buxom of breast, with an interest in all things nautical. Speak to my Butler for arrangements. Peasants, povvers. and uggos need not apply.

Single male human seeks seeks physically (and morally) flexible female playmate (no unliving, unless fresh). Will offer winning smile and empty platitudes followed by 20 minutes of uninterrupted alone time. Book early to avoid disappointment, consider double booking during peak hours. No time wasters please.

Wanted – dirty rat to be den mother. Must have GSOH and fleas. If you’re free of disease, keep on scurrying.
Mischievous burrower seeks wooing and romance. Likes long walks (under the ground), and wandering in the wild places. Must be prepared to get hands dirty.

Beared, boisterous, barrel-chested bloke seeks buxom blonde for back-door-kicking adventures. Kind, good sense of humour, and knows how to work a shaft. Must be able to get down and dirty. Preference for hairy, short fellas is advised. Love of gold is an absolute. must. Want to know more? Listen out for cries of “WOOF!” and watch for thrusting motions.

Missed Connections

I was the coy young thing sat at your feet. You were the strapping Lord Consul, with a luxurious mane and a voice that could melt the Dragonspine. How I long for you, my Silver Fox! Sincerely, Flustered at the Muster xoxo

Sweet Duchess, you have stolen my heart! With your flaming locks and noble grace, you have bereft me of all words; only my blood speaks to you in my veins, and there is such confusion in my powers. Sincerely, Faithless xoxo