Lonely Harts Club

Single male human seeks seeks physically (and morally) flexible female playmate (no unliving, unless fresh). Will off er winning smile and empty platitudes followed by 20 minutes of uninterrupted alone time. Book early to avoid disappointment, consider double booking during peak hours. No time wasters please.


Beared, boisterous, barrel-chested bloke seeks buxom blonde for back-door-kicking adventures. Kind, good sense of humour, and knows how to work a shaft . Must be able to get down and dirty. Preference for hairy, short fellas is advised. Love of gold is an absolute. must. Want to know more? Listen out for cries of “WOOF!” and watch for thrusting motions.


Arthur seeks Guinevere. Must be Living. Must be Faithful. Penchant for face-scales advisable. Do you like men in top hats and the colour white? Will you be my lawful, ordered companion?


Dodgy, bearded, bowler-hatted bloke seeking lovely lady for promenades through the less-reputable neighbourhoods of Greater Londinium. Must appreciate daggers and a knees-up.


Required – raunchy saucepot for larks, japes, and rumpy-pumpy. Must be buxom of breast, with an interest in all things nautical. Speak to my Butler for arrangements. Peasants, povvers. and uggos need not apply.


When the White Rose flies again over the walls of York, the Falcon should return. If you will go ‘All-In’ with me; I will do all I can to make this come to pass.


Missed Connections

– Lord Tristis Snuggle-bum… I miss you… You know where to find me… Yours forever… Rainbow Sparkle-hoof xoxo

– Oh Sir Chakra, you’re such an imposingly tall man.I can’t take my eyes off you. Please hit me with your baguette. Yours, Bread-bin xoxo