Mistress Culpeper’s Modern Albione Etiquette

Deer Miztriss Culpepa,

Wen one is owt toorin the fyne istablishmunts arownd Londiniyum an one is akwyrin fings wot may or may not be belongin to oneself, an one appens, fru no folt of ones owne, to bash sumone cross the for’ead an noggin, rendring them unaybul to protekt there pockits, is it propa to apollyjise to them wot as bin it, or is it moar poelyte to just beggar orf to save them wot as bin it sum moar embarussmint an oneself the bovva?

Sinseerully,

The Moest Onnirabble Dodgie Keef Eskwyre

A Pervayor of Fyne Akwyred an Losst Iytems, Londiniyum

Dear Sir,

Might I begin by admiring your quaint and unusual style of penmanship. I am sure with time and adequate guidance you may yet progress to the Albione language, and I look forward with great delight to this day. Regarding your query, however, if one should accidentally strike another about the head, it is always, always polite to offer apologies, whether the unfortunate victim is conscious or not. As has always been the case, manners should never vary according to whether or not anyone else is listening. A gentleman is always a gentleman; he does not merely put on the appearance of being one because people can see.

Yours,

Mistress J. Culpeper