Interview with an Imperial 1105 – Eborus the Bard

The Majority of Eborus’ works were stolen shortly after his death but here is something that we still have. It was originally intended to be published in the testaments but was dropped after incidents at the 1105 heartlands games made it politically incorrect. I think it serves as a fitting memorial.

Interview with an Imperial

It’s been a busy old time in Cornwall recently, and what with our new
guests entertaining the locals, I thought it would be good to speak
with one of the common infantrymen. So, you’ll realise how lucky I
felt when I was granted an interview. Our conversation started off
informally enough, I believe the man was taking a break. The
following is an excerpt of what transpired:

Myself: Hello there! Do you mind if I chat with you a while? I’m a
roving reporter for the testament, I was wondering if you minded
saying a few words for a worthy paper?

Imperial: …

Myself: Speechless, a common experience when fame comes knocking. No
need to be flustered, perhaps you could start with your first name?

Imperial: Brutus.

Myself: Well, hello Brutus. I expect you get citizens all over your
vast empire coming up to you and bothering you with questions, so I
won’t waste your breath trying to explain the ins and outs of the
Imperial war machine, I think what our readers would like most is an
understanding of what it is like to be in his Emperors service. You
have been employed by the Emperor have you not?

Imperial: Yes.

Myself: Oh good. So, I’ve heard he pays very well, if you don’t think
it’s rude, could you tell me how many stell you average for a days
work?

Imperial: Two

Myself: A handsome wage. Are you listening oh editor all mighty? Just
jesting. Now I’ve heard Brutus, that there are many fringe benefits
that come with the job – like the attention of the good ladies – or
is it the bad ladies…

Imperial: …

Myself: Keeping Mum! I understand. Very wise! No need to feed
yourself to the sharks of the gutter press. Well, we here at the
Testament, are a noble lot whose goal is the education and
enlightenment of the common peoples of Edreja. We do not bandy ill-
gotten gossip and spread tawdry headlines across our pages; no we
seek to dispel the rumours of the less refined papers and show people
how things really are. So, do you mind telling me whether the Emperor
is still able to get it … ah I can tell by your grimace that I’m
walking on rather earthquake stricken rock formations, perhaps I
should return to more comfortable conversation; the weather’s nice
isn’t it?

Imperial: Yes.

Myself: That’s a very big sword you’ve got there.

Imperial: Yes.

Myself: Very shiny.

Imperial: Yes

Myself: Has it been used recently?

Imperial: Yes

Myself: That strange purple tint on the edges wouldn’t happen to be
poison would it?

Imperial: Yes

Myself: Oh, didn’t recon on the Imperial forces using poison, what
with their codes of honour and all that. Any other shady practices I
should know about?

Imperial: Yes

Myself: Kidnap?

Imperial: Yes

Myself: Even children?

Imperial: Yes

Myself: Regicide?

Imperial: Yes

Myself: Oh that’s Ok, I’m not a King (or Queen), or a child, and no
one’s going to pay a ransom for me. Now I don’t suppose you
Imperial’s would ever stoop so low as to common murder now would you?

Imperial: Yes

Myself: Oh. Well. Um. Oh look, our minutes up. That’s the end of the
questions.

So ladies and gentlemen, make up your own mind: Imperial’s honourable
or not? And with that mighty question hanging over our heads, I am
afraid this `The Speak With Dead Interviews’ concludes for this
edition, catch you again later when I will be asking: Chickens – are
they happy with their lot? Byeee.

(Imperials were harmed in the making of this article)

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